♥ everything is beautiful if you believe in it .

life updates

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 14:55:55 GMT

i think it is time that i am doing some proper updates in this blog right here. pardon me for my absence. i was just busy with stuffs like work, school, life. apparently, they needed my attention more than anything else.

work's been great. (counting down to march for my kids to arrive.)
school's been awesome. (counting 22 more months to go.)
family's been Alhamdulillah. (counting down to any family re-union or gathering.)
boyfriend's been Alhamdulillah. (counting down to coming to 7months to go.)

what can i say? i feel blessed, Syukran! <3

as i was thinking and got myself thinking just now. i was apparently chatting with an old friend of mine and we do some catching up with each other. all i could say is that eventually in life we meet all sorts of people, the good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty. yet all these people are not hundred percent confirm would stay throughout our life in minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years to come. eventually, people come and people go, which is true. just like inflation, how money dropped in its value. people change.
something that they might be doing now, might not be the same in the future and none of that matters actually.

because in the end of the day, it all comes down to your life. at least you could always smile and remember that once in this lifetime, you were in someone elses life. be it good or bad, be it if you left them nice or ugly prints to remember, your path crossed with theirs.
for i believe that, God made you cross path with them for a purpose.
to be like them.
to do better than them.
to learn from them.
to teach them.
to compare their lives and yours to see the difference and be thankful.

of course, i could not list down the endless reason but everything is for a reason.
(=

boyfriend said the darnest, sweetest and loving thing tonight when we chat online.
it's been quite sometime he expressed his feelings that way, especially online.
definitely, i cried because i was superbly touched by his words.
it was so sweet of him and i am definitely heads over heels over him.
i could never see myself being with anyone else right now because he won my heart, hands down.
and if there is one wish that would surely come true for us, it will definitely be to always be with him and only him till the rest of my life.
as how we see the horizon sun, the sky wide, the ocean deep, the stars in the whole galaxy and that is how i felt for him.
nobody could ever replace the love of the whole universe and galaxy that i feel and no one will ever will.
i love you baby. <3

Updating the IMPORTANT events.

Thu, 11 Feb 2010 11:00:13 GMT

26th January 2010

HAPPY 48th BIRTHDAY MOMMY!
<3
'An inspiring mother to depict life struggles'.

03 February 2010

HAPPY 26th BIRTHDAY BOYFRIEND!
<3
'An awesome boyfriend being my other half completing me as a whole'.

being in my bubble land.
someone said, blowing bubbles is therapeutic. TRUE.
seeing the bubbles, it helps to relax your mind and just for a minute to be stress free.

lots of love from me,

ps. 8 more months baby!

counting down!

Sun, 17 Jan 2010 07:02:41 GMT

"9 more months, then you're mine. . "

History

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 07:26:02 GMT

of all the many things that i face through my childhood.
i still remember every single detail and every single events that happened.
i know i am suppose to not remember of my past.
i saw something today and i am only praying that history remains history and never to happen again.

because going through what i went through was hell and depression.
i would give out anything just so it would not happen again.
but i was wrong.

i saw a spark to the beginning of the history.
it seems like history is repeating once again.

Dear God,
Take me away because I dont want to see it happen again because i know i wont have the strength to fight it once more. For this time round, i've lost my strength and im not strong enough anymore.

because i'm a girl

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 13:43:22 GMT

I just can't understand the ways
Of all the men and their mistakes
You give them all your heart
And then they rip it all away

You told me how much you loved me
And how our love was meant to be
And I believed in you
I thought that you would set me free

You should've just told me the truth
That I wasn't the girl for you
Still, I didn't have a clue
So my heart depended on you, whoa

Although I'll say I hate you now
Though I'll shout and curse you out
I'll always have love for you
Because I am a girl

Been told a man will leave you cold
Get sick of you and bored
I know that it's no lie
I gave my all, still I just cry

Never again will I be fooled
To give my all when nothing's true
I won't be played again
But I will fall in love again

I loved you so
Now you leave me in the cold
How could this be
I thought that you'd only love me

Into the night
I will pray that you're alright
You hurt me so
I just can't let you go

You took advantage of my willingness
To do anything for love
Now I'm the only one in pain
Will you please take it all away

Never thought being born a girl
How I can love you and be burned
And now I will build a wall
To never get torn again

Happy New Year 2010.

Fri, 01 Jan 2010 10:48:01 GMT

i made this resolution half an hour before 2010 hits just by typing down what comes to mind.
and hopefully, i could sustain accordingly. InsyaAllah.

1. to love myself more; to put myself ahead of others.

2. to save money; at least $400 per month.

3. to keep on persisting and persevere in my studies and working; with determination to juggle both.

4. to be brave with my emotions and control it.

5. to love my love ones even more.

6. to believe in my love relationship with boyfriend; to make it last; to try to trust him more; to love him unconditionally without expecting the same amount in return with what i give in to.

7. to smile everyday; to be bubbly; to be carefree.

8. to be able to balance my daily activities without missing or hurting anyone.

9. to believe that i could achieve my resolutions.

10. to make it happen.

the bestest moments of my life in 2009 was having your presence in it.
the very first time when we talked, i lied.
i already started to fall for you.
and as days goes on by, it grew and grew till a point one day i couldn't held it longer.
from the start, the very first time i loved you.
and so if anyone were to ask what is the best part of 2009?
it was you from the first time when i said you looked like my friend till this very moment.
im sorry but i know its even nicer when im saying this to your face but i know i will go to tears because right now as im typing, im crying.
because i'd never loved a guy like how much i love you.
for you, for us, for 2010 and for everything else, i swear i love you Syahrul Fahmy till the very end of time.
Eternally for eternity baby.
Happy New Year Baby.

that was the message i gave boyfriend on New Year through text message. like i said, i cant say it because eventually i will cry.
nevertheless, my N.Y.E was awesome with boyfriend and hopefully yours too.

for im welcoming 2010 with a great family, an awesome boyfriend and coolest friends.

Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow is a mystery.

Today is a gift, that’s why we call it the present.

one random night.

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 15:38:35 GMT

i kept saying, "alah, no fun. these people dont know how to update their blogs. no fun to read. LOLS!"
speaking of which, im not updating mine either.

iPHONE madness is occurring and it got me hooked on to it!

i WANT that phone BUT the reviews make me kind of have the 'scaredimightregret' feeling. but damn, i still want it badly.

i still could consider Samsung i8910 Omnia HD.

HTC HD2

PAYDAY is this Saturday. COME QUICK!

last day of work is this Friday and new job starts Next Monday.
i am only praying that my tears wont rolled out on my last day of work.
especially when i hugged my darlings. (a whole lot of names to mention.)
one thing for sure, definitely with no doubts. i will miss them greatly.

this incident occur just only yesterday.

marked yesterday was the 7th day since i last saw boyfriend.
i just ended work and darling boyfriend gave me a call asking me where i was and i told him i just ended work.

bf: you kat mane? (where are you?)
me: just only ended work.
bf: ok niari takde class kan? (there's no class today right?)
me: today, nope. why?
bf: ok, nanti jumpa bawah blk you. (alright, meet you under your blk later.)
me: huh? for what?
bf: taknak jumpa? tak boleh then takpe la nvm. bye. (dont want to meet? cannot meet then its alright. bye.)
me: eyyy! i tak ckp tak boleh. (i didnt say cannot.)
bf: ok then, meet under your blk.

ended the conversation.

took the bus home and met cousin, shasha. accompanied her to KFC and bought her dinner.
crossing the roads and phone rings again.

bf: kat mane? (where at?)
me: reaching my blk.
bf: ok, jumpa bwh blk now. (meet me under your blk now.)
me: ok, but can i put my bag first?
bf: ok, cepat. (alright, hurry up.)

ended the conversation.

went up and put my bag on my bed and went down to meet him. i waited for him while my back is terribly aching.
and when he arrived!

naaaah, he didnt brought anything special nor did he bought for me anything nor there any surprises.

the most awesome thing / surprise / gift he brought was, himself. (=

not having to meet him for the past days, during weekends and off days.
i missed him gradually day by day.
and it went on making me tearing every night to how much i've missed him.
how our workloads, tiredness, busy-ness been making me at times feeling lost without him.
but nevertheless, the love never seems to fade.
it grew gradually and infact to a point now, i must be all in love with him now.
and it may seems at times i am not making sense.
but it didnt matter at all.
because right at that very moment, when i saw him. .

. . the moment. the time just freeze.
i was so contented. so happy. so excited. so exhilarated.
just to see him and obviously being me, i gave him a hug.
though he was wet from top to bottom due to the rain.
but i didnt care one bit, because all i know.
my love was right infront of me and i've missed him so much.
and seeing him made my day.
completes and ended my night with a smile. (=

had dinner at KFC with him and around 10pm+ i bid him goodbye because he needs to head home for tomorrow.
hugged him again of course and i am just only looking forward for the weekend, with him. <3

and to conclude whether i am being mushy or insane or mad or blind here.
im just expressing my gratitude, appreciation and my love for boyfriend.
apparently, there is no measurement for that. (=

A splendid Adventure

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 06:52:25 GMT

these were the places boyfriend and I went to yesterday, 24th November 2009.
intended to go elsewhere but a change of plans hence a change of our route.
supposedly in celebration to our monthsary today but since we're both dearly attached busy with work and school.
we forfeited it to yesterday and upcoming Sunday. (=

that should sums up everything.
HAPPY MONTHSARY SAYANG.
<3

JAKARTA TRIP

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:20:29 GMT

JAKARTA, BANDUNG trip was AWESOME.
especially when I have my loving boyfriend by my side.
what more can I ask for right?

we reached Jakarta safely, Alhamdulillah, at noon and when to check in to our apartment. amazingly, it was fabulous! boyfriend's and my room was like a maze. the whole layout of the apartment was almost similar to the houses in Punggol and Sengkang but this was way nicer and awesome! i love the apartment very much <3

we then head to shopping since that was first on our list. nothing much was done though just that the whole of the first day, we went shopping and as for me, i hardly shopped. (trying to save money for the best stuff!) apparently, i am not very good with RUPIAH and RIBU currency and for me, i am just afraid i end up not having enough cash, just like what happened to me when i went Bangkok in secondary 5.

second day was the bestest!
we went Bandung and shopped.
we went to the Volcano and Hot Spring and somewhat jungle trekking.
it was AWESOME. the air was refreshing and GREAT!
i bought ALOT of tees there. (extremely ALOT!)

third day was when we head down to the entertainment park, DUFAN.
boyfriend and I didnt took the rides. we just simply hang outside and just chilled.
took tons of pictures and simply just talking about things we hardly find time to talk about back here in Singapore.

to sum it all, it was EXTREME AWESOME.
and of course, i would LOVE to go again as long as boyfriend is with me of course.
its not everyday you get to go overseas with your soulmate right?

enough all these facts and lets stream on with the pictures.
and baby, i love you. <3

JAKARTA

Boyfriend & Me with the People we went with.

BANDUNG

LAST DAY
Dufan / Singapore

THAT'S ALL!
the rest of the pictures, please refer to my facebook.
because apparently, i am lazy.

loves, <3

counting down!

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:01:45 GMT

5 DAYS MORE!

note to self: keep counting and the time will go even slower.

LIKE WTH??!! who gives a damn right?
ok shit, im superbly tired.

AWESOME WEEKENDS!

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 14:45:03 GMT

my weekend was GREAT.

saturday outing with babylove was AWESOME though not as quite as planned but still AWESOME.

sunday was BRILLIANT with family.

i finally get to meet my kakak and abang after quite sometime.
we talked about afew stuff to update each other. (since im their youngest.)

Amirah's birthday was a BLAST.
took almost to 200pictures.
will be uploaded in FACEBOOK.

My Eldest Brother and His Wife.

My Eldest SIster.

i know, supposedly i should be calling them, Aunty and Uncles.
but i was brought up by their late mother, my late grandmother.
and i called them by 'Abang & Kakak' ever since i was a kid.
hence, they act more like my brother and sister and at times me, being their child.
their endless pampering, advices, encouragements are endless motivation for me.

and though i grew older.
their endless pampering and concern never did lessen.
and that is why, i love them.

though we're not related by blood.
but being taken at a young age.
feeding me food and shelter everyday.
was an ultimate blessing.

hence, no matter what happens, they are still my elder brother and sister and i will always regard them as one.
now, says who i dont have any elder siblings?

just a long week

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 13:59:58 GMT

i think someone really need to slap me back to reality.
assignments are piling up soon if i don't get it started but how to get it started?
the days when i am all set up to start, they'll be various distractions and apart from that i would be too shagged back from work.

speaking of which, a whole of this week works was an exhaustion for me.
to the extend that i almost got myself injured but just ONLY by luck i did not, Alhamdulillah.

settling the new kids was hectic especially when the parents are the main issue to the kids.
and i felt that i really have a child there because apparently there is this boy who will always want to stick with me and cries when i am gone for just a few seconds. my goodness, to top that i was having my Pre-Menstrual Stress this whole week and with all the crying and wailing.
imagine having a child wailing at the top of his/her voice just next to your ears and being as patience as i could, i was trying to just convince myself to be patience. though i wont deny, there were some moments where i really lost it. the kid and the situation made me to not that i want to, just that at times to be firm, actions must be taken to make it a reminder that we're serious when it comes to punishment/nonsensical actions.

lets push work aside for a moment.
i want to talk about my darling adorable children now.

well, apparently my Toddler Group 2009 will be promoting to Nursery 1 next month and this whole week was a training session for them in various class. the day that they come back together was a terrible touching moments for me & of course my class teacher, Mdm Halizah. in no denial, despite the times where they gets into our nerves or being an annoyance to us. it does not change the fact how much the both of us love each and everyone of them. (at least for me i know, i really love them. they made my everyday into a such meaningful one there).
i would definitely miss them oh-so very much indeed.

at times looking at them, i would definitely would want to have a child of my own. with all the fun, love, care being shared around. simply just makes my life a worthwhile thing to be done. (Ayang! lets make babies! but after we get married first ok? *LOL!)

i need to rest now since i am schooling tomorrow afternoon. hopefully it does not rain tomorrow so boyfriend could pick me up.

i miss that boy. though i know i met him on Sunday and my previous weekend was spent very well with him by my side, it does not change the fact that i still miss his presence. apparently, his work and mine occupied us daily. additional to that, my school and his tiredness comes in the evening. the times i talked to him will usually be a 10mins conversation or maybe just 5mins to tell him that i am turning in and off i go to my dream land. at times we hardly talk too! just message and message.
so apparently, my week of events that happened i had to really contained it first and wait till i meet him or get the chance to talk then i would just tell him what i could recall at the moment.
alright, enough blabbering because the more i say and with my oh-so very sensitive moods these days. i could have the tendency to be emotional about it. no matter what, i still love him greatly and it never changed a bit. it makes me smile to just look at our pictures taken during those days. `i miss you baby.

till then. with love,
riiaa

brief.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 15:04:51 GMT

im super drained out by work.
my back hurts alot more than usual. i need a masseur.

i saw my facebook friend list was 430.
i bet i hardly know half of them there.

assignment dates are coming up.
im just too shagged to even get it started.

im on holiday mood.
since im counting down my days to Jakarta.

and everyday i hoped and prayed that i'll have a free flow of cash inside my bank.
so i can travel to Rome and New York the next day.

<3

` . If I was your girlfriend
I'll be there for you, if somebody hurts you
Even if it's somebody takes my place
Yeah-hee
Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be

And so I put this on my life
Nobody or nothing will ever come between us
And I promise I'll give my life
and all of my trust if you was my boyfriend

ps. boyfriend is love.

you and me

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 17:55:12 GMT

the difference between us is actually.

you and me.

i did my self-reflection day and night and throughout my different days that i went through.
i know in a way or another it helps to give me a better understanding or stories and picture of life.
and to whatever i am going to say next, i am not in denial but simply just accepting life as it should be.

i am very sure . . .

i know my childhood was not an enjoyable one but i am thankful its not as bitter as those in Africans.
i know my family is not perfect and there's patches everywhere but i am giving hope to make it stand strong.
i know my life is not a fairytale but i pray that my dreams would come true.

i do not have the authority to bow down to me.
i do not have that official status to make them to.

i know i am not a rich man's daughter nor a rich kid.
i am average in supporting myself financially and at times i still need help in it.

i know my mouth can be foul with words.
and my ego are as high as a mountain when it comes to apologies.

i know i am not pretty or beautiful or gorgeous like those super models.
and i do not own a hot nor sexy body like those FHM babes.

i know i am gaining weight compared to my secondary school life.
and my face goes f-ugly at times.

but i know despite my thousands flaw that i have within my physical and inner aspect.
i know my Moral & Integrity.
i know my inner souls are clean despite the sins i created.
i know my heart is dedicated and devoted.

and the most valuable thing that i am very much certain off
i know my love is pure.

i am very much appreciating my every moments with you.
through the sadness and through the happiest moment together.
thank god that i met you because;
you mean alot to me.
you are etched in my heart so closely.
you are the last person i would want to loose.

and that is the difference you brought, US.

TE AMOR BABY <3

FINALLY!

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 16:01:35 GMT

and i FINALLY get to meet boyfriend after 10days of not meeting him.
and yes yes, i miss him a whole truck loads of course!

met him for a short while since he picked me up from school today.
and he bought me this beautiful shawl when he was out of town the other day.

it was lovely and i was actually shocked and superbly touched because it was so thoughtful of him. <3

and i appreciate it a lot of course.

time spent was short but it was lovely.
we went back to the first place that we went on the first date eventually.
sitting at the same place.
eventually i was remembered what happened exactly as he was making me laughed just now.

time spent was great with him (=

my night went well and i had a great time.
the small gift was a surprise that moved me pretty well and its lovely.

all in all, THANK YOU BABY!

my gratitude

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 06:33:48 GMT

my boyfriend is out of town today, just for today.
so which means to say, my phone would be silent throughout the day.
lucky im going out anyway.
to make myself feeling all gay.

ok, that was a super random poems to see if i still posses the skill to make poems in less than 5minutes. indeed i still have but it kind of rusty. not as good as before. oh how i miss writing poems after poems and all those long and short ones. quotes and a statement to claim my believes and making my own wisdom words. i miss those times i was in those mood to write those words. apparently right now, i dont seems to have that kind of mood anymore and when i get into writing it, though people said it was good, to me it wasnt good enough because i know i can do better. alright enough about all this.

yes, my boyfriend is out of town with his family today. it feels rather weird because the one that usually goes out of town is me. so having him to go out of town, of course i feel alone. though i know, its only a day and at times it feels like a normal day because some days, we dodnt really texted each other the whole day. (but that only happens when we're on head to head with each other or when we're too engrossed with our work.) so yeahs, i did get to talk to him for awhile but he was busy with his stuff and so i went to bed.

i was awoken at 5am having someone to call me and i remembered saying, 'hello,hello'. and whoever that person was said the same thing and hang up on me. im not sure what else the person said but i thought it was boyfriend and so i called him back. boyfriend obviously was shocked that i didnt sleep but i did! some maniac just disturbed mine and an unknown number just texted me. (erghh! i hate when all this maniac starts to happen again.)

**maniac = unknown numbers kept on calling and messaging me

so i went back to sleep and at 7am boyfriend texted that he was on his way to JB already. that message made me smile of course. im oh-so-in love with him ((=
i replied him back and doze back to sleep till 1pm today. HAHA! it still way to early for me to wake up but because there's a wedding going on under my blk, karung guni man peet pot his horn, my neighbour above kept playing his/her piano and some new musical instrument, like what the heck right? i might self wake up then continue with my so-not peaceful sleep to avoid headache/migraine later on.

anyway, my Thursday was fine. Indeed it was superbly GREAT!
i called mom after work and asked her about camera and so we kind of argued because she wants the cheap ones and its to be bought at Challenger so as she could get cheaper price as she's a member there. However, I wanted the Waterproof, Shockproof, Freezeproof camera that can be found cheaper at Sim Lim. That was the little arguement we had and so she says, to meet her at Jurong Point and I thought she wanted to buy me a camera but she claimed she only wants to buy shoe. So I told her im not going then because im not interested and I told her to discuss with dad and decide, i hang up after that.
(alright, i know i can be very stubborn at this point of time but i still believe my stubbornest will bring a good result to it.)

eventually, mom called me back and said that dad was on his way there. so i said, alright i will meet her there. took me for awhile to reach there and met mom. since she was waiting for me at the Swank shoe shop, i decide to find myself my working cum schooling shoe because apparently, my sandals is obviously exhaust from my traveling around and its waiting its time to give way that 1 day i would fall flat on my bum. i was wearing that sandals to Jurong Point and i swear, i almost slipped and fall because the flooring was already slippery adding on to my exhausted sandals which is equivalent to my fall. (a lucky thing, i didnt. Alhamdulillah.)

one thing about mom, she always asked for my opinion and apparently of course my taste is of the newer generations right? and even though if dad decide not to come down and buy for me the camera, i would still meet mom there because i know she needs my help and im not a mean little witch daughter to just leave her by herself because its just in me that if i were to do that, i would be so guilty that i could cry my days through remembering what i did.

so i accompanied her and she bought me my shoe of course. (= thanks mommy!
then we head to this bag shop, S.T Loius
it was having its promotion but apparently not any cheaper too.
i bought myself a new wallet with the money i have, given by boyfriend of course.
and mom was attracted to this bag that cost SGD100 plusplus.
so, when we walked out of the shop she said, she is going to ask dad about it and i said ok.

we head down to Challenger and saw the camera i wanted! obviously, i was soaring high with happiness!
so while waiting for dad, i saw afew mp3, mp4, mp5 at a cheap price especially for Challenger members. it was so cool! and of course, i remembered boyfriend wanted that so much. i texted boyfriend that i'll get him one of the mp4 from there since mom and dad are a member of Challenger, cheap cheap price (= (provided i have the enough money. hees. )

so for SGD 478, daddy & mommy did buy for me. it comes with an awesome package too.
the women gave me:
an extra battery to go along
a mini tripod stand
a casing to keep camera
a cleaning kit for the camera
an 8gb card
a screen protector for the camera

and so i got it. Alhamdullilah (=
then mommy eventually ask daddy to go to this S.T Louis shop to see her bag again. i did intend to buy a bag there but none of the bag got into me. it wasnt my interest and nothing fascinate me at all except for this 1 particular bag but it wasnt on discount. originally it cost, SGD148 but since mom bought her expensive bag first, she was already a member of S.T. Louis, my bag was given a 10% discount and on top of that, i bought the last piece! so, daddy paid for my bag too at SGD133 afew cents. i was happy obviously but i felt guilty too that i knew how hard it is for dad to find that kind of money especially with his working employment as a Taxi driver. i was contented and Alhamdulillah that even though daddy once said to me that mom & dad's income are just right for the family to sustain our daily life and having them to splurge on me and my brother once in a while, it makes me guilty but at the same time contented. because i learnt that though they have just the right amount of money they still could give extra to our own wants.

i know im lucky, boyfriend kept reminding me that.
having both of my parents splurging like that on to me and my brother easily. (more of me rather than my brother.)
Alhamdulillah. i know at times there sure to be conflicts between me and them because of my own wants. i can be self-centred and selfish at times but i realise all of that. its just a matter of time that i learn how to control myself.
im just lucky, i know.

that is the reason why i kept remembering my friend asking me, what is my proudest possession?
and i know myself, my proudest possession is none other than my parents.
because no matter how difficult situation they can be in, they still try to give a better, comfortable and easy life with me & my brother.

as for me, though i know i can get head to head with almost everyone because i want things my own way.
im just lucky
that i have my parents with their endless sacrifice and despite the times we could argue with each other.

that i have an understanding boyfriend with his endless advice despite the times i felt that his advices are wrong and i dont want to listen but i still did because apparently i know, he is just reminding and always trying to do something good for me so that in the future, i will not regret.
also our endless arguments and i know i want to win the fight and i just wanted him to give in to me and though at times he wont and we'll be on war with each other, we still manage to talk things through and with my stubborn headed being, i would still think my way is right and with his patience always giving in. but in time to come i would know, i was wrong all along and eventually listen to him.
and Alhamdualillah, that i met someone like him because i think its about time that i found my right one.
and InsyaAllah that this relationship would last for a lifetime and eternally. Amin.

because i know myself, im very much in love with him, Syahrul Fahmy Bin Mahpuz.

<3

Ohhh ....
Ohhh ... Yeah Yeah
Ohhh .... Yeahh

Since the day that we met girl
I aint never had anyone make me feel this way
And my heart is sure it wants to be with you
Wanna give you the whole world
oh
If you make the promise to me, You're gonna stay
Without you guiding me, I'm lost and so confused

What will it take to show you I'll be by your side

Girl I got you and I want to give you what you never had
Girl everyday I hope to make you part of my life
Cause you know me and I know you
girl your love is where it's at
ohhh...

I'm gonna be the love that's gonna last
And be the one that got your back
Ain't nothing ever that bad that we won't be together
And though we both made our mistakes
And some we never wish we made
But we'll be okay if we just stay together

Oooh..

I know he left you stranded
And you paid the price when you messed up your life oh
girl I know you're so afraid
But I can't right the wrongs he did
I know you saw the lipstick on my window
And wonder'n how many chick's been to my home
I've done my share of playing games
But for you I given up that life

What will it take to show you I'll be by your side
Girl I got you and I want to give you what you never had
Girl everyday I hope to make you a part of my life
Cause you know me and I know you
Girl your love is where it's at

ohhh...

I'm gonna be the love that's gonna last
And be the one that got your back
Ain't nothing ever that bad that we won't be together
And though we both made our mistakes
And some we never wish we made
But we'll be okay if we just stay together

Baby you're the one I've waited for
Because you gave me what I need and more
Girl its clear that we are meant to be
Together,
We should be together ....
Eternally
Ohhh...

Girl I'm gonna be

I'm gonna be the love that's gonna last
And be the one that got your back (The one that got your back)
Ain't nothing ever that bad that we won't be together
And though we both made our mistakes
And some we never wish we made (never wish we made)
But we'll be okay if we just stay together(just stay with me)

(Everything Gonna Be Alright)

I'm gonna be the love that's gonna last
And be the one that got your back
Ain't nothing ever that bad that we won't be together
And though we both made our mistakes
And some we never wish we made
But we'll be okay if we just stay together

(this song will always remind me about us, when we first get to know each other.)

love you baby!

let it be forever

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 08:43:20 GMT

Ku tutup mataku
Dari semua pandanganku
Bila melihat matamu
Kuyakin ada cinta ketulusan hati
Yang mengalir lembut

Penguasa Alam
Tolonglah pegangi aku
Biar ku tak jatuh
Pada sumur dosa yang terkutuk
Dan menyesatkan cintaku
Andaikan ku bisa
Lebih adil pada cinta kau dan dia

Aku bukan Nabi yang bisa sempurna
Ku tak luput dari dosa
Biarlah ku hidup seperti ini
Takdir cinta harus begini
Ada kau dan dia bukan ku yang mau
Oh Tuhan tuntunlah hatiku

my long month.

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 04:41:07 GMT

hello lovely readers. i know it has been quite sometime that i made a proper updated here. oh wells, lets get on with it then.

i will upload some of the Hari Raya pictures here which seemed to be overdue and the rest of the pictures will be uploaded in FACEbook alright?

well, like everyone is saying Hari Raya month is a busy month of course. with all the visiting to relative houses and friends not forgetting with all those seeking for forgiveness going on. emotional rapid right here. speaking of which, i've yet to seek forgiveness to my boyfriend. hahs!
(alah! more like lebih kurang halal only. say sorry then later do again. =p )
my first day of raya was usual, head to meet my grandmother on my maternal side then head to meet yayi on my paternal side. its always the usual to meet the old people first then the following day would be going to my mom siblings houses and it is also common for my family to reach home 2-3am in the morning on the first and second day of Hari Raya.

Hari Raya mood was getting into me that going for classes drags me way onto the ground floor. though i still went for the attendance, i skipped half way. hahs! seriously all you could ever think of when you're in class, RAYA RAYA RAYA! (damn, i sound so terrible.)

then the second week wasnt much of going around because last sunday at 545am, yayi was admitted in the ICU and everyone was on toes already. so basically i was at the hospital the whole day from 6+am till 11pm. i wasnt feeling good that no one is accompanying yayi to stay. )=

but Alhamdullilah, though i must say this time its the longest of him to use that breathing mask for support he is now shifted from the ICU to normal ward. so technically, you can only imagine my whole of third week was an exhaustion of me.
from work to school
from work to hospital, CGH.
from work to school
from work to school
from work to hospital
graduation and concert ceremony for my kids, jalan Hari Raya with TGIF
jalan Hari Raya with boyfriend

that is my one week schedule and to top it all, my 3 assignments are climbing like mountains and i've yet to get it started.
(oh someone please slap me!)

work is as usual, too many internal politics and its really hard to trust people there. you'll keep thinking, am i speaking to the right person?
because practically everyone is wearing a mask there and god knows if you are saying to the right one in making the right decisions.

boyfriend and i been having our ups and downs lately, much of a roller coaster. some of the reason was because of me as i am at a stress peak heights and with all the emotional baggage that im storing inside eventually explodes day by day. i was very sensitive and emotional these days due to the exhaustion i've been having and the rising of stress-level.

alright, i need a getaway now. i need to go on a holiday already.
i need peace to relax myself now because eventually with what is happening now, im exploding my anger to people now and then.

And for the rest of the pictures, i am still waiting.
pictures from my cousins cameras.
and the rest can be found on FB alright?

till then, bye lovely people.

BRB

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 02:14:36 GMT

Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fuckin' depressed
I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick that mic back up
I don't know how I pry away
And I ended up in this position I'm in
I starting to feel distant again
So I decided just to pick this pen
Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit
Or come to grips, with the fact that
I may be done with rap
I need a new outlet
I know some shits so hard to swallow
And I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow
But I know one fact
I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
One tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

Chorus
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful woah
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you sO
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful woah
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me
So I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation
Like I want that...
I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need fucking man servant
Tryin to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack
And half of them ain't even funny like
Ahh Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down
Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes
And you don't have to walk no thousand miles

Chorus
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful woah
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful woah
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands they've delt
We have to take these cards ourselves
And flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just
Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
But take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait but I know to unpack his bags
Never sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in
Every single place
Every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me
Keep making that face till it gets stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there
Holding my tongue up trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on the frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson and cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story
Not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where?
I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet

Chorus
In my shoes, just to see
What it's like, to be me
All be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to

Feel your pain, you feel mine
Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find
Look at shit through each other's eyes

But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful woah
They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful woah

They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you
Lately I've been hard to reach
I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone...
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through woah
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you so

Yea... To my babies. Stay strong. Daddy will be home soon
And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
That fit you, so put em on and wear em
And be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny,
Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful

my fear. myself.

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 17:51:57 GMT

i am stubborn headed. (itu kepala ada batu duduk)
mama always say that my mood swings are terrible. tempremental. (kepala angin satu badan punya budak.)
papa used to say i am selfish. (always with my decision.)
adik used to feel i am mean. (jahat, the worst sister he ever had.)

i think im a bad girl.
no, horrendous!

but i still think, it all happened due to something that happened in the past. (that makes me like this now.)
because i still remember, i was never like this. (trust me.)

i hardly feel sensitive. i hardly get angry. i dont mind.
i was just patience and i seldom raise my voice.
i never showed my dark side. i was just a happy masked girl.

and maybe i think the feelings are all bottled up.
since young and till now.
i know, thousands had been telling me this.

NEVER NEVER bottled up your feelings because there will be a day, when you just explode to someone who does not know anything or worst not at fault or just accidently make a small mistake but got all the blame.

and i can never master that sayings.

and a habit of mine, i have a foul mouth.
the things and words i say, are those unexpected things to be said.
be it with those vulgarities or those cursing that i sworn on you. (and when i curse, i meant my curses.)
i know, im mean. very mean.

when i say A, it must be A.
because when you say B, i will still fight till its A.
and when you continue to C, i will be fighting for D.
in short, i love to argue. even when to a point i have no point, i would still argue.
like how mama, papa, arwah nenek, atok, aunties, uncles used, always and will be saying, 'dia suka lawan cakap orang. suka menjawab'.
because since young, i will always argue and fight back. (selalu menjawab cakap orang tua.)
hence, if someone scold me i will always fight back and if im quiet, its only lucky. (god knows if im cursing you in my heart.)

maybe thats the reason why, i always have to argue back with boyfriend and i cannot just shut my mouth. (nak win my point.)
and the reason, at times i fight with mom because i always want to win my point also.
the reason, at times i argue via sms with dad just to make sure my point is understooded properly.
i know im terrible.
but i still think im right.

i know, i could sayang you. i could love you.
but never make me hate you. because if i hate you, i'll hate you for life. (even till the day you went to your second home which is 7 feet deep down.)
and never hurt me with pain. because if you do, i'll be scarred. though i forget, till its the end of your life, i will never forget.
i admit. i can be a very mean person.

and maybe because, i am just pampered.
maybe because i was always pampered by arwah nenek because mama papa did not gave me that attention when i was young.

(feels like a ball being tossed around.)

maybe when she was gone, nobody pampered me.
though mama papa did, maybe the pampering was different.
somehow i turned out to be rebellious in my own way.
always not listening to them, disobeying their orders, stubborn, always testing their patience. (eventually adik never dare to things that i did.)
and when i always get beaten and see all the marks, i cried and i always think they dont love me.

i was naive. very.

i hated my parents before because i was always bashed up till i was scarred.
and arwah nenek was so far away.
the day my parents found out i called them names (honestly, i called them vulgarities but i expressed through writtings.)
papa wanted to bash me up but i played catching with him around the house (i had a bigger house back then.)
i was driven out of the house on that very night and i was only primary 4.
that very night i remembered.
i cried when i walked out of the house.
those we the times, i will always feel mama papa didnt love me at all.
the times, i felt that i might be an adopted child.
the times, i felt mama wanted her first child to be son. (i ever questioned papa and through his vivid answers, i knew the truth.)
maybe that must be the reason, why mama and i hardly clique.

and when people question me, what am i feared most of.
the answer is simple, lonesome.
i feared to be lonely because my mind swims due to fear that was instilled in me.

because those were the times i always think of arwah nenek. how i felt guilty never got the chance to meet her when she asked of me as i was so far away from her. how those guilt swam around me till today. how i wished i just want to give the world to see her once again. how i felt she didnt love me anymore because she left me too soon alone. how i cried that i didnt even get to say goodbye, hugged, kissed her. not a word spoken.

because those were the times i was always bashed up since i was a kid. getting long strokes of cane marks. the times i wailed so loudly, praying and hoping someone would come and save me. stopped all the beating that occured but no one did. those were the memories of bitterness i was almost beaten to death and i had asthma after that. the times i cried myself to sleep after being bashed and feeling my body weak the next day. how i wish someone would save me from the nightmare. as how my life have been live up to fear for the next day. the times, i felt i was an adopted child and mama papa never did love me.

because those were the times i was humiliated in public, bashed up in public and getting physically hurt by the one i loved. those were the memories i will never forget when i stared into your eyes wondering if you will ever be the same. shouting and screaming at me in public, making me tears in public, humiliating me in public and hit me till im bruised in public. as how i was treated back then, those were the fears i had in me when i argue with you face to face. as how much i always tried to control my fear, i knew i could loose it when i look into your eyes as how i imagined you would react, wondering and keep asking myself, if you would ever turn into a beast like that.
a beast i witness since i was young and till the very moment now and when if it happens, maybe you didnt love me too.

because all this while i never did tell you my childhood. who could blame you. mine wasnt a great childhood that i had as i faced difficulties ever since i was borned. being hospitalized, getting sick since 1st month and because of all those fears that instilled in me, i wore a mask and be someone else. i faked my dented smile.

for thats my only way. A temporary protection against my nightmares while i wait for someone to really guide me, save and rescue me from these fears that haunts me, since i was a young girl. Assure me that things will be better for me in the future, tell me if it is going to be alright.

EID MUBARAK!

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 18:19:47 GMT

EID MUBARAK EVERYBODY!
SALAM LEBARAN
MINAL 'AIDIL WALFAIZIN
MOHON MAAF ZAHIR BATIN

ikhlas,
Siti Sariathi <3

Just For You

Kepada mu ku curahkan
Kepada mu ku buktikan
Segala yang ku janjikan
Dari dulu dan selamanya
Biar musim pun berganti
Namun aku kan kembali

Kepada mu disisi
Bersama lagi hanya kau ku sayangi
Biar hari berganti dan pergi
Kerana ku tahu kau kasihku
Kali ini ku kembali

Dalam alunan mesra sinar pagi
Ku genggam erat tangan mu
Ku bawa bersama, ke alam
Realiti dan fantasi

the battle.

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 12:57:43 GMT

Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute, it's love
And, suddenly, it's like a battlefield

One word turns into a
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down
My world's nothing when you're gone
I'm out here without a shield - can't go back, now

Both hands tied behind my back for nothing, oh, no
These times when we climb so fast to fall, again
Why we gotta fall for it, now...

I never meant to start a war
You know, I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
Why does love always feel like

Can't swallow our pride
Neither of us wanna raise that flag, mmm
If we can't surrender
Then, we're both gonna lose we have, oh, no

Both hands tied behind my back for nothing (nothing), oh, no
These times when we climb so fast to fall, again
I don't wanna fall for it, now...

I never meant to start a war
You know, I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
Better go and get your armor (get your armor), get your armor (get your armor)
I guess you better go and get your armor (get your armor), get your armor (get your armor)
I guess you better go and get your

We could pretend that we are friends, tonight (oh)
And, in the morning, we wake up, and we'd be alright
'Cause, baby, we don't have to fight
And I don't want this love to feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
I guess you better go and get your armor...

I never meant to start a war
You know, I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
I guess you better go and get your armor (get your armor), get your armor (get your armor)
I guess you better go and get your armor (get your armor), get your armor (get your armor)
Why does love always feel like (oh, oh)
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield

I never meant to start a war
Don't even know what we're fighting for
I never meant to start a war
Don't even know what we're fighting for...

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 12:31:48 GMT

some people said that yesterday night was LailatulQadar night but for me, only god knows when it was. despite that, it never did stopped me from praying the best for me and that may i finally feel contented, relief and tears of joy for once instead of sadness.
i guess my prayer wsa answered, Alhamdulillah. though it was in a weird way but it made me smile and brought tears of joy definitely to my eyes.

i was busy baking my cookies when dad came home at 3am. honestly, i lived my 20years of live with daddy and i very well know him.

Dad, he was never a man to be easily impressed by stranger especially when it comes to "bakal" or 'soon-to-be'. never.
daddy is a strict man, i must admit and neither me or adik would dare to challenge his anger and temper. despite his flaws, daddy loves me alot. i knew it a long time ago, ever since i was a young girl and now, people always remind me that. i was his first girl, his first child after 8years of marriage.
daddy pampered me alot more and daddy always try to not to say no, unless he reallyc annot afford it. Myself, daddy knows me very well. i always want things my own way, though i know at times things couldnt go my way. daddy knows my temper. daddy knows that i'll get super angry. throw my tantrums. sulk the whole day. not talking to anyone. always a frown. cry. keeping silent. daddy is so prone to see all of that when he couldnt get the things i want or when he do not allow me to have it my way. that is dad and that is me.

daddy came home and saw my new phone and asked me about it. i accidently shifted the messaged column and showed him the screen saver picture.
i didnt notice he was looking at it till he went, "eh eh! what is this?".
honestly, my mind went, "oh shit!".

daddy never liked me taking closed up pictures with my all of my bfs/cheek to cheeks/kissing/hugging/together so close.
he'll go, "no ikatan and take picture so close like this?".

but today was different. he saw it, put my phone down and asked me, "kakak, is he (fahmy/bf) a good guy?"
i (was busy scooping my cookies to bake) went, "he is good pa but i cant say much can i? god knows. kalau ada jodoh, ada la pa."

daddy: i dont mind. as long as he is berilmu (knowledgable on agama, life), stable, working, think of family, seseorang yang boleh membimbing engkau to sembahyang, ketua rumah, tahu jaga maruah diri.

me: of course la pa. of course i will find that kind of man right? why would i not find someone that is tak berilmu.?

for the first time in my entire life, daddy did not even scolded me for that picture infact he asked me again.
daddy: does he really love you kak?

me: why not you ask him pa?

daddy: why should i ask him? he should have told you right? if he's not serious then dont.

me: pa, obviously i wont even bother if he is hear for a joke. he said he really love me, but if you want you could ask him yourself to get better assurance.

then, daddy goes on talking about asking me to tell bf to save up money. (honestly i went, huh??!)
daddy explained, that he is not forcing me to get maary but he just dont want to see me coming home with different guy but none of them i see future with.
he said that i should be seeing future with someone then, its better than to just keep changing guys. he told me (in a serious tone) to asked bf to save up money, so in any case that he asked him when i bf going to marry me. at least money is ready. he also reminded me to save moeny to think of my future.

at some point, at times i always get blamed because daddy goes, "kakak you must think. see, he's from tampines take you from school and send you home at night. so you must always think for what he did."

(wah, daddy really side him you know!)

and we talked about all my exes and why i broke off with each of them and i told him everything.
i guess my exes didnt interest him alot unlike bf. daddy kept asking about bf family and how is he treating me and how is his family treating me.
i told daddy about the holiday in November and he even aprroved it.
honestly, i saw a very good sign right there.

for the first time ever, daddy asked me about my bfs status.
for the first time ever, he didnt scold me for the picture.
for the first time ever, he talked to me about my future. till where im going/when i decide to settle down.
for the first time ever, daddy talked to me of marriage. (its as though he was ready. as though he had the confident in bf to take care of me.)
for the first time ever, daddy approved of my boyfriend.

god knows how happy i felt after that long conversation.
of course there's alot more of other things that daddy said about bf but, i dont think i have to say it here.
at least to know that daddy finally approved me of being with someone and entrusted me, is good enough.

i think daddy knows that im old enough to think.
and maybe to a certain point he knows he had to let go of his responsibility too.
maybe he is not forcing me to get married but just a reminder to save up money for it.
and i think daddy just dont wish to see me hurt again.

honestly, whatever you might say.
god knows how happy i was after this long conversation with dad.

p.s bf, i think you've nailed daddy's heart.

ALL BY MYSELF

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 12:25:41 GMT

honestly at times i feel that i have my male gender in me.

i always have to be the one doing everything.

i woke up super late today because i was up all the way till 6am this morning.
hence, i woke up at 2pm and straight to clean my room.
imagine i cleaned the room from 2pm till buka which was at 7plus.
i only ate kurma and drank a cup of water and continued cleaning.

and i love the way my room looks now.
and i did it ALL BY MYSELF.
that includes of shifting of the bigbig cupboard and study table.
i pushed it ALL BY MYSELF, till my nerves was twisted.
there goes my hand trembling and going all red while cleaning of the remainders.

and i continued doing the wiring in the living rooms.
shifting the TV and Cables and all.
everything. ALL BY MYSELF.
basically everything.
and i just only had dinner.

oh boy.

i miss baby so much.

and my hand is hurting so much too.
and my body is so shagged.

im beat.

bad bad girl.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 13:00:51 GMT

i've been a very bad bad bad girlfriend lately.
a very bad bad girl indeed.
due to my temper.

and im just lucky lucky lucky to have boyfriend.
for tolerating my tremendously bad mood-swings and craps.

and i know myself, with all of that.
i love love love him alot alot alot.

i love you syahrul fahmy.
alot.